Subject: HBO Pay Per View Special Proposal
I have reviewed the attached proposal. If you were just another well-heeled client — and that is NOT an allusion to those rumors you wear lifts in your shoes to appear taller than Ivanka — I wouldn’t even bother you with this proposal. It is, at first blush, beneath you.
But at second blush, since you and your family may still need $1 billion to make a balloon payment on your 666 Fifth Avenue deal and since we charge $3000 an hour, I think this may be worth your time.
After all, the clock is ticking.
I realize that you may have some issues with the title of the project. I did too. So I played hardball with HBO.
Unfortunately, they played hardball back. “The title is f**king non-negotiable,” was their exact quote. They believe the title — Jared Kushner: Perp Walk Pay Per View Special — “is the key awareness driver for the project.” They have a point.
Maybe you and Ivanka can just think of this as a branding opportunity?
At any rate, HBO has researched the project with a remarkable thoroughness. To be honest, when you look at the profound amount of detail here, it’s like the polar opposite of your lame SF-86 security clearance answers. Anyway, here are some of the findings:
97.9% of Democrats and Independents say the will pay money to see you perp walked out of the White House — or anywhere, really.
65% of ALL Americans say they would be “very interested in watching your arrest.”.
20% of Americans watch Fox News and pay for HBO. Of these, an estimated 90% said they would pay to watch your special.
75% of previous HBO Pay-Per-View customers say they would pay $50 to watch you cuffed and humiliated if Ivanka is also on camera.
Producers were very excited by this last metric, and envisioned your wife cursing out Mueller and reminding the arresting agents who, exactly, her father is.
Before you give me a speech about how polls miscalculated the election, let me remind you: This is HBO we’re talking about here. You know: Game of Thrones and The Sopranos? Not the New York Times’ Crapshot data column that botched projections.
Speaking of self-inflicted wounds, based on what I know about your monetary situation and a certain rising skittishness whenever your name is mentioned at lending houses far and wide, I think this deal may be your best way forward. $25 million is a considerable sum — and unlike the loans that make your net worth so precarious, you won’t have to pay any of it back. If you can bring Ivanka on board, I’m pretty confident we can net $50 million from HBO.
So: next steps. If you want to move forward, the deal is dependent on my negotiating your perp-walk terms with Mueller’s office. HBO requires 10 days notice so they can launch their “Greatest Perp Walk in History Pay Per View” campaign — which will not name you until two days before the event.
There are a number of upsides to all this. If HBO exclusively controls the footage,CNN and MSNBC can’t put it in an endless loop, and FOX will actually have an excuse for not showing it. That’s a win-win! Also, by planning ahead, you and Ivanka can work with producers to monetize any product placement and wardrobe choices,
HBO is going to allow repackaging licenses so that bars and deviant organizations like DNC, the Clinton Foundation and NFL Players Association can pay higher fees to screen your prep walk at fundraising parties. So they say it’s critical that your perp walk happens on Saturday evening.
One idea was to have you busted as you walk home from synagogue with your family at the end of shabbat. But I told those Hollywood clowns that using your own family to profit on something is NOT in your DNA!
Still, if you feel that this project is something you can work with, maybe you can arrange to leave the kids with a sitter?
Let me know your thoughts.