By Seth Kaufman
Summary of Wokeness Policy Benefits and Coverage
WIA policies are open to any and all woke, woke-deficient, woke-aspiring and woke-transitioning Americans regardless of age, gender, or hours spent watching Fox News. WIA does reserve the right to refuse policies on a case-by-case basis but extends its empathy and compassion to all WIA applicants, who should not interpret such refusal as a judgment on their degree of wokeness, although that is an understandable natural response.
PROTECTION: Covered individuals will qualify for monetary reimbursement, legal protection, and the general wokeness services and training offered by WIA for the following conditions and scenarios: mansplaining, manspreading, nanoaggressions, aggro-bro-ing, brosplaining, bro-ing down, bro-crowing, privilege flexing, false self-privilege refutation, 911 panic calls based on the proximity of a stranger of a different race or ethnicity, derogatory jokes targeting those with a high Body Mass Index, thigh-touching during after-work drinks, sex-shaming, watching NSFW videos at work, certain forms of hugging and funny but possibly offensive ethnic accents. The Plan includes certain protections for discussions that may make people in your employment group uncomfortable, including discussions of the Plan itself.
Please bear in mind that this policy is for you and you only. Your judgment-deficient son on the high school football team will not be protected for participating in traditional-but-unwoke group bonding rituals, such as hazing, drive-by eggings or any other power-tripping criminal offence. In other words, beneficiaries, payees or assignees of the insured persons are NOT automatically protected and are advised to get their own policy.
EXCLUSIONS FROM COVERAGE
The following pre-existing conditions may exclude you from coverage:
You are a regular user of chewing tobacco.
You have previously owned a Confederate flag, decal, tattoo or jpeg.
You consider Alex Jones and the InfoWars website a viable news source.
You are a White or Asian person who has used the N-word previously. Please note: Exemptions from this exclusion are not offered for “just” singing along to a rap lyric or recounting dialogue written by Quentin Tarantino. Exemptions, however, will be considered for reading passages of Huck Finn aloud.
You are a pussy-grabber.
1. Intervention Counseling. Here are our group therapy classes:
America: 350-Years-and-Counting of Overt and Systematic Racism
They’s Personal Pronoun Is Not About You (Or About Good Grammar)
Entitled ‘R” Us: Counting the Ways You Were Born Lucky
People who Identify as LBTG or Come from Another Country Are Humans, Like You.
Virtual Reality Check: With our custom-designed in-house Oculus Rift simulations, you can experience all the discomfort and fear of being Muslim, Trans, Queer, Brown or a Woman on a Saturday night in America.
2. Outpatient Services
Minority home visits — Arrange a home visit by a WIA caseworker with an ethnic, racial or gender background that makes you feel uncomfortable, so you can get over being a racist or prejudiced jerk-off.
Anti-Rage Implants — Our WIA Rage sensor, implanted in your arm, detects sudden rises in blood pressure, speech volume, the use of swear words and racial epithets, and the sound of Sean Hannity’s voice—and zaps you with 20 volts to help you refocus.
3. 24-hour Hateline 1-800-ITS-THEM. Call and complain about your constitutional rights to exclude, be rude, and cop a serious ‘tude. We won’t judge (out loud, anyway).
4. 24-hour Self-Assessment Hotline 1-800-IAM-LOST. We will judge — but just to help you understand the stupid shit you’ve done.
If emergency services are obtained through an out-of-network wokeness provider, you may be subject to additional expenses.
If you need emergency services for a potentially conscious-threatening and lawsuit detonating unwoke event. and do not have time to see a WIA approved advisor, therapist or lawyer, please:
1. Go to the nearest law office, pay $1 dollar retainer to ensure attorney-client privilege.
2. Tell the attorney your undoubtedly messed up and misguided story that obviously has its roots in poor socialization, lousy parenting, talk-radio, Fox News, economic inequality, a shitty education or all of the above.
3. If no lawyer is available, take a good long look in the mirror and remain utterly silent. The next time you speak, it should be to a WIA-representative to schedule an emergency case worker consultation.
4.. A WIA caseworker will follow up to help you understand why so many other people are more open, inclusive, positive, unafraid and totally more woke than you are, while you remain a dangerous, uptight, judgmental, “other”-fearing source of unwoke negative energy.
5. Your caseworker will work with your employer’s HR department and the WIA legal department on next steps.
Based on our actuarial staff’s risk assessment after viewing your application, our agents will get back to you with an actual quote. Our premiums range from $1,000 annually to as much as $100,000.
High-end WIA premiums are generally associated with C-level executives, senior management, well-known actors who have been plagued by rumors for what you can assume are very good reasons, owners of NFL teams, regular Chick-fil-A patrons, and members of Congress.
But if you are just an average, unaware and privileged unwoke individual, you owe it to yourself, your family and society at large to invest in a policy. Getting woke could save your career—and make everyone else’s far more pleasant. Wokeness is a journey, not a state, and we are eager to assist those who are ready to wake the fuck up.