DEAR ASK A DEADHEAD! #2

 

Dear Ask a Deadhead,

Hillary or Bernie? — Mandy, Sugarbush, Vt

 

Mandy, you are not the first to ask me this question, but judging from your Facebook photos, you are the cutest. The thing about this question is, are you asking my advice? Or which candidate I’d vote for? Or whom I think is going to win?

 

A lot of Deadheads have short attention spans, but dudes and dudettes, finish the sentence!

 

Here’s my thinking: if the call comes at 3 a.m., I’m 100% confident Bernie will say, LEGALIZE IT! Hillary? I’m not sure.

 

That said, a certain greatest band in the history of the world covers a very excellent song by the famous calypsonian, King Radio, called “Man Smart (Women Smarter),” and I am a strong proponent of this song’s message.

 

It’s so obvious. My ex-wife Nancy, for instance, is way smarter than me. I’m not even married to her anymore, and yet I’m still giving her 2 grand every month, which is totally unhigh, but also shows how smart she is.

 

There are all kinds of other reasons women are superior to men. Their clothes are more complicated. Their hair is more complicated. I ride a bicycle. They are on a lunar cycle. They read self-help books. We don’t read. The list is endless.

 

So, in this regard, I’m 100% for Hillary,

 

Which means I’m 1000% conflicted. I like ‘em both. So what does your friendly estimated prophet do?

I voted for one and donated some money to the other. My conscious is clear.

***

Dear Ask a Deadhead,

I am experiencing tremendous anxiety about experiencing tremendous anxiety. It hasn’t happened yet, and yet it is happening. I just read this over, and now I’m worrying that you will think that this is a fake question that is really an exercise in circular logic. But it isn’t, I swear. I’m not even sure what circular logic is. Do you have any advice for me? — Lenny, Silver Springs, Maryland

 

Lenny, it’s all gonna be okay. Follow these steps:

  1. Put on some good tunes

  2. Google these words: “Mental health emergency Silver Springs”

  3. Call some of the websites that come up

  4. Read them the letter you just wrote to me

  5. Follow their instructions

  6. Write me again soon, brother

 

Dear Ask a Deadhead,

The Stones, Pink Floyd, Rod Stewart and Queen all wrote kick-ass disco songs. How come “Shakedown Street” doesn’t get any radio play, like “Miss You: and “Brick in the Wall?” —Shadow, Portland, Oregon and Portland, Maine

 

Shadow! Great to hear from you again!

This is an excellent question. It is also a painful question because the answer hurts. “Shakedown” is a solid disco song. It has the beat. It has some funky minor seventh and ninth guitar chords. It has some snazzy arranging.

 

What it doesn’t have is a vocal edge that gets it over. It’s a fact: great disco songs have great vocals. Captain Trips, was the greatest scale-runner in history, but he was way too laid back in the vocal department on this tune for it to be a hit. He was no match for Mick’s snarls or Rod’s rasp, never mind Donna Summer’s moans. I think producer Lowell George should have pushed Jerry harder and maybe brought in some backup muscle. But it’s too late now. The real point is it was never a big radio song when it came out, so it’s not getting on the radio now. Unless you take your trust fund and buy a radio station, dude.

To read Dear Ask a Deadhead's response to "Ann Coulter, WTF?"...

Trump Blues & What Is a Drake?
February 28, 2016

Dear Ask a Deadhead,

My daughter, who I’m proud to say is a second-generation tie-dyer, has a boyfriend I’m going to call “Really Stupid.” He was over for dinner — or “wasting oxygen,” as my husband likes to say — and announced that he and my daughter had been to a Trump rally. I was disgusted. Not that I’m political, but Trump’s bully vibe and comments about women and immigrants aren’t in line with a rainbow-loving gal like me. Anyway, Really Stupid says he’s going to vote for Trump and he expects my daughter to do the same. When I started to list my problems with Trump, they started to sing the chorus of “Friend of the Devil” at me! You know: “A friend of the devil is a friend of mine.” I had to excuse myself and throw up. Any advice on swaying her? — Debbi, Newton, Mass.

 

Say what you want about Clinton, Obama, JFK, Reagan, Bush – but they all looked good in a power blue suits. Can you imagine Cruz or Trump on a stamp? Would you lick that thing?

 

The argument, however, about not looking presidential doesn’t really work with Trump, since he looks like a clown school escapee but still leads in the polls.  So you need a strong moral point that strikes your daughter to the core.

 

Luckily, I have one. Here:

 

Once there was a man from the magical-sounding land of La Corñuna, Spain, which obviously is in Spain, not in America. And that means this gentle soul — who loved music and was named Jose Ramon Garcia — was not American. But he came to this country and was welcomed here. He met a girl with Irish and Swedish DNA coursing through her veins. And together they had a SON named Jerome, who grew into THE man among men known to all as JERRY GARCIA.

 

Think about this bad trip: If Trump or Cruz or Rubio had been president in 1919 with their immigrant-hating vibes, life as we know it wouldn’t be life as we know it. Jose Ramon might have stayed in wherever he was. And that means… well, a whole chain of events leading to THIS VERY COLUMN AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME would never have happened.

I know. Take a minute to chill. Go ahead. Vape.

 

And that’s why the Nation must avoid Trump — and Cruz and Rubio — like the plague. They could be keeping out the next musical deity. Or the father of the next musical deity. And that would be the mother of all bummers.

 

Once your daughter hears this story, she’ll realize the error of her ways with Trump and maybe even Really Stupid. Good luck.

***

 

Dear Ask a Deadhead,

Who is Drake? What is “Hotline Bling?” And Why? — Toby, Bongville, South Stonerlinia

 

As longtime readers know, Dear Ask a Dead views himself as a humble servant on a mission to help the greatest Nation within the greatest nation. I’m proud many of our citizens don’t know what twerking is, use cellphones with no screens, and still listen to TDK 120 minute jams. I know you, riders! Your priorities are beautiful! And Toby from Bongville — great to hear from you again — you are not alone in your confusion.

 

In fact, when I got the first Drake question a few months ago, I was, like, who?

Then I was like, what?

 

And then, I thought, this is the unhighest moment in the history of the column. How can I explain something I don’t understand?

 

But then I sucked it up and got online and I also talked to my sister’s 15-year-old daughter. So I actually know the answer to this question now.

 

In the world outside of Bongville, Drake is a hugely popular Canadian singer/rapper who dances like a nerd, abuses autotune and has obviously never heard “China Cat/I Know You Rider” in his life. His key talent seems to be being handsome.

 

“Hotline Bling” is a self-pitying song in which Drake whines the whole time about a girl who doesn’t call him anymore. And can you blame her? In the video, which people seem to love for some reason, the guy’s moves are beyond LAME.

And Ask a Deadhead should know. He has seen decades of hippie dancing.

As for why? I’m gonna have to vape on that.